PSYCHIATRISTS SAY: WEAK WOMAN + DOMINEERING MAN = RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DAUGHTER, I'M SORRY
She has forgiven me, says mum
By Zaihan Mohd Yusof
April 24, 2006

HER voice over the phone shook a little.

And then, as if willing herself, she said: 'I've asked my daughter to forgive me.'

The emotion in her voice grew stronger as she spoke the next words.

Said the woman who made her daughter have sex with her husband: 'She told me, 'Mum I have already forgiven you'.'

Her husband, who had other wives besides her and many children, was recently convicted of raping his five teenage daughters.

He was sentenced to 32 years' jail and 24 strokes of the cane on Tuesday.
Said the 40-year-old housewife: 'I regret what I have done. I have failed my daughter.

'But I have promised myself, my daughter and children that it will never happen again.'

In the phone interview, the woman described her actions as a mistake.

Her spoke a little more about her tearful conversation with her daughter.

She said that she told her daughter: 'Everybody makes mistakes. Mother has made a terrible mistake. Please forgive me.'

The woman said words may not be enough after what has happened.

As a mother, she would need to regain her daughter's trust 'through responsible actions', she said.

For more than a year, the man preyed on his five daughters and made them have sex with him.

In this case, she and the man's other wives allegedly helped their daughters 'keep appointments' with their father.

He had used religion to justify sex with his daughters.

Some of the wives even praised their girls for doing the 'right thing'.

The family cannot be identified to protect the victims' identities.

Almost nine months after the man's arrest, his wives have forgiven him for his savage act, she said.

MOVING ON

'Everybody has a black history. It doesn't mean that you're forever condemned,' she said.

'He has repented and is paying the price. But it's not going to change anything. We still need to move on with our lives.

'Our main concern right now is how are we going to survive as a family. We have to think about the children's welfare and education.'

The woman said the family was dependent on the man to support the family.

The New Paper understands he was a businessman and after his arrest, his family lost its source of income.

She said the wives spend close to $5,000 on the children's monthly necessities.

Currently, some of his wives are working while the others look after the children.

It appears that the women have resolved to keep the family together as it was their 'husband's wish', she said.

She said when she first met the man, she was a friend of one of the man's wives.

Said the woman: 'I was not a religious woman at first. But I was impressed when I noticed a change in my friend's character.

'She was more religious and knowledgeable. He managed to change her into a better person.'

When she finally became one of his wives, it was 'not love at first sight'.

'He doesn't have looks. He is just a normal-looking guy. My love for him blossomed only after our marriage,' she said.

'I was attracted to him because of his wisdom. Aside from his mistake, he is a responsible father.'

At home, the wives refer to each other as 'sisters'.

She said: 'There is no favouritism as far as the children are concerned. They are all abang's (Malay for husband) children.

'My husband was jailed in June last year. And in his absence it has been tough, but we're surviving.'

A reader of The Straits Times wrote in its Forum page on Thursday, wondering why the women were not taken to task for ''abetting' their husband's crimes.

Wary of such public criticism, the woman said they hoped they would be forgiven for what they did.

Now, some of the wives' parents have asked them to return to their respective families, the woman said. (See report at right.)

'The parents of some of my 'sisters' say this would be a perfect time to get divorced and return to their families,' she said.

Some of the children are too young to know what has happened.

The older children realised their father would be absent for a long while, she said.

She takes the children to see their father during prison visits.

They ask about their father as they miss him a lot, she added.

She said: 'The children miss the weekends with their father when we would visit the beach or park. The boys go first, then the girls.

'Even the girls, who were involved in the rape case, ask about their father. They want to know how he is doing,' she said.

Mums-in-law want daughters back

THEY want their daughters home.

The mothers of two of the man's many wives told Berita Harian they would readily accept their daughters, so long as 'they return to the right path'.

Said one of the mothers, a 70-year-old: 'Previously, my daughter praised her husband. She told me one can go to heaven in a polygamous marriage. Now see what has happened.

'This is the result of not listening to advice. They (the man's wives) are well-educated, yet were made to look stupid.'

The woman said she was glad the 'irresponsible' man is now in jail.

She learnt about what the man did from the newspapers last week.

She said: 'Now that he is in jail, I hope all his wives will return to their respective mothers.'

Another mother said she was not surprised that things turned out so horribly.

She said: 'I don't blame my daughter. The man brainwashed my daughter and, as a result, she is
lost.'

These two mothers said they were kept in the dark about their daughters' marriages.

PSYCHIATRISTS SAY: WEAK WOMAN + DOMINEERING MAN = RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SHE was afraid that her boyfriend would leave her.

He was 22 and better educated while she was 29 and worked as a clerk.

So, when he asked her to shoplift, she obliged despite knowing it was against the law.

Women like these usually have low self-esteem and feel insecure and inadequate, said psychiatrist Dr Ang Yong Guan.

They are the ones most at risk of being manipulated by the men.

The clerk was one of four such women he treated last year.

Said Dr Ang, a consultant psychiatrist at Paragon Medical: 'I first saw her in the middle of last year after she was arrested for shoplifting.

'The police referred her to me because they wanted a psychiatric evaluation.

'That was when I found out that she actually did it in order to keep her boyfriend in the relationship.'

He added: 'She knew it was wrong but because of her overwhelming fear that he would leave her, her sense of right and wrong was diminished.'

While cases like hers are not common, there have been other cases in which the women involved committed harsher and more serious crimes for their husbands, boyfriends or lovers.

Besides fearing that their men would abandon them emotionally and financially, these women may also believe certain things their lovers tell them.

Said Dr Tan Chue Tin, a consultant psychiatrist at Mount Elizabeth Hospital: 'Like in the case of
Adrian Lim. Both his wife and mistress really thought that he had supernatural powers and that he could heal them.

'They believed him and loved him so much to the extent that they killed for him.'

Lim, a self-styled temple medium, had manipulated the women to torture and kill two schoolchildren, aged 9 and 10. He and the two women were hanged in 1988.

Dr Ang added: 'Sometimes, there is an underlying mental problem that makes it even worse, and even easier for the man to manipulate the woman.'

POTENT COMBINATION

What about such men? Who are they?

'These men are usually domineering and have certain anti-social traits.

'Often, they are capable of committing petty crimes themselves,' said Dr Ang.

'They are likely to have defective consciences. That's why they probably don't have a problem with manipulating the women in their lives to get what they want.'

Dr Ang added: 'When a woman who feels inadequate and small gets together with a domineering man of such a character, you can say it's a recipe for disaster.'

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One of my dreams is to Champion Women's Selfworth. I am saddened by the increasing number of women that i know personally who do not stand up for themselves or are taken advantage of because they are weak.

To spread the word that women do not need to hurt themselves in anyway to gain the love of someone.

Nobody can take anything from you if you do not want to give it.

People will give you respect only when you respect yourself in the 1st place.

I have more than 1 friend (seriously if you are reading this you are not the first) who tell me if their men fool around they will close both eyes.

Why go through all these prep talk with yourself and prepare yourself for the worse? Direct your energy into something more constructive like your work or spending more time with your parents and friends!

It has never cross my mind that my man will stray. Because if I did, I would NEVER had married him. I cannot put myself through the anguish of wondering where is he, what is he doing, who is he hanging out with?

A relationship has got to be transparent. If the man does not even have the simple courtesy to let me into his life, be gone you fool cos you have just lost me.

I have casually (maybe life threateningly) told my husband before, if he does 1 I do 15. Ok this is direct translation from some Mandarin saying. Do not let me find out because I am part of another Mandarin saying, Good horse do not eat go back grass. Which means good horses never look back.

I have moved from ex bf to ex bf and I have never kept in contact with any of them. Why so tau? Because I do not believe in keeping in touch with people from my past, I give everything to the present and the future. I will treat my husband the way I want to be treated. I deserve to be treated fairly because I am part of the human race whom deserves respect and love. If you do not give me that, I will not give you that either.

Dear women of the world ,

Stand up for yourselves and the women around you. Don't make the rest of us look bad by continuing with that bastard bf/hb of yours.

If he is fooling around, tell him to stop it and work things out together. If he does not stop it, tell him to fuck off because God knows what kind of dieseases he might bring back to you.

Enough is enough. Never hurt yourself and stand his abuse. Verbal and physical are equally bad. You never ever DESERVE it contrary to what you think.

Do not mask your own pain by cutting yourself or taking some stupid pills. Scratching his car , burning his expensive golf sticks and beating the crap out of him would be a much more fun event. (I personally beat the crap out of my ex)

(ok if the govt funds my Champion Women's Selfworth, I promise not to spread the above as gospel, I will do it the correct and legal)

Warmest regards,
princessbobochin
Director of Champion Women's Selfworth